Daily Thots

It's been awhile since I last blogged. Things happening again. The never-ending problems R's been giving me. All these years, however I've been treating him & his family, I've been kind. Yet now the table has been turned against me. Pack of lies, ugly side of human being revealed. Allegations, hidden truth, all because of his EGO at work. Where was the man I once knew? Gone...............

Is it true one gets nasty when u Leave him for a better future? Men.. Scary behavior.

Dear God, take over the situation. Do it Your way. Amen!

Daily Thots (190210, 1326hrs)

Frenz come & go in ur life. They bcum so close to u tt u thot it was for real tt u've gt another true fren. But then when smtin happens & alot of secrets were revealed, u realised u were taken for a ride. *sigh*

Love comes quick & disappears w/o any notification. It hits u so fast tt u just simply get drunk over it & lose ur sanity. When u thot "Yeah baby, this is d one." The next moment u realised it, he's gone. Wooh! Hit & run accident again? *sigh*

Exams prepared, taken & failed. So its scientifically proven tt u're stupid & u're brainless. *sigh*

So much negative thots this CNY. Is d Tiger fighting against me? Hey! I wana be Lion King to rule over it. *roar*

I just wana b happy, tt's all I ask for.

Daily Thots (290110, 0850hrs)

是不是我学会爱我自己，你就会多爱我一点？

Wads wrong?! (280110, 1600hrs)

I feel so weak.. No strength to do anitink.. So moody..

I miss him so much.. Stupid me..

Oh God.. Help me.. I feel so lost now..

Ooh.. Suddenly d ofc sound so quiet thou thr r ppl walkin infront of my desk area.. Ppl tokin near my desk area.. But i hear nuttin @ all.. Wad is happenin?! So freaky!!

Heart beatin so fast.. Feelin so breathless.. Feelin so giddy.. Feelin so nausea.. Head havin thumpin pains again.. R these all real or am i imaginin things?? I'm breakin out in cold sweat.. So scary..

Wad is wrong wif me?!

270110, 1905hrs

He loves someone who'll know how to love herself. I'm not the one cos I love him more than I love myself. Don't ask me why I love him so much cos I don't know. When I'm in a relationship, I give in my everything. I love him with my heart, not my mind.

You can say that I'm not sensible, so what? My love for him is not going to be affected by your opinions.

Anyway, everything is history Now. But I still love him alot and he'll always be in my heart. Memories will always be so sweet, so true. It's my lose, not his.

I love him and I miss him alot.

Daily Thots (260110, 2200hrs)

Promises r meant to be kept or to be broken? Well.. It depends on who u promised.
Someone u love alot, u wont bear to break a single promise.
Someone u treat like a normal fren, u can heck care & break it.

Who is impt? Who is nt impt? So subjective ya?

Will u cherish d times we had spent together? Or was it juz another day in ur life, nuttin special abt it?

U left footprints in my life. Did I managed to leave my footprints in ur life?

Haiz....
It was nvr meant to be mine anyway. Y bother to tink?
Easier said than done. Gosh!

不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有。

So tired (260110, 1115hrs)

I m a Christian. I gotta behave/live/talk like a Christian.

I m tired. So tired. Very tired. Extremely tired.

I wana let go of everything. There's no meaning to whatever I m doin nw.

Life....... I dun u'stan it & it doesnt belong to me.....

Change? (210110, 1320hrs)

Wad does one mean when he/she says u're being paranoid? Is it a gd or bad sign? Under wad kinda circumstances will cause one to turn paranoid? Insecurity? Emotional instability? Hormones inbalanced? U tell me wad is it.

Everyday I'm gorging myself with food & I've really put on weight. But tt's beta then me nt eatin @ all, rite? Oh no... Wad have I changed to?
Haiz... From persistence became paranoid. I tink I'm gg crazy soon. I need a getaway.

Dear God,
I just want to have a normal & simple life. U've provided it, so don't take it away from me ok? This I ask from u daily in prayers faithfully. Thank u Father. Amen!

Daily Thots (200110, 1530hrs)

It all started over d wkend.. I started gorging myself with food.. Lotsa food.. & a "little" alcohol involved.. Ahh.. Nw I look myself in d mirror.. Dammit!! I'm fat!! My face looks fat!! Ahh...!!!!

Ok.. Its either I eat or din eat.. Losing more wt definitely nt advisable.. So... Answer is.. Continue to eat laa.. Since everyone says I lool beta when I put on wt.. Hahaha...

I miss him.. Really miss him.. Haiz..

A Decision Has Been Made (160110, 515pm)

Sittin here @ d hair salon wif my Dar.. Mixed feelins within.. Dunno wad to do wif myself.. F**k d whole thing & enjoy d process of it but gettin hurt @ d same time or wana juz end everything thou I'm so unwilling.. Luv hurts deep.. Iz a journey tt makes me lose my sanity.. I really wan it to b in sucha complete story in my life & nt another passin cloud.. Wth I'm tokin abt?

I hate this Grace..!! So pitiful as always & forever taken for granted.. Sucha dammit loser in life..!! Wad am I seekin for here??

Will life resume to normal w/o him? I hope I can pull thru it.. But most probably its gonna b a faker livin her life happily..
Life's a bitch!! F**k it!! Pui!!

I'm gonna miss him.. Miss all d things done wif him.. Miss everything abt him..
So... Can I stick to d decision made?? Its a mystery @ d moment..

Daily Thots (150110, 1430hrs)

I'm so happy tdy.. Haven't seen my Dar for some time le then this morn he came over to meet me b4 I go off to work.. Instead of gg hme to slp.. He made his way over to my place just to see me.. So sweet.. Then he bought me kaya bread toast for bfast (thou I dun like kaya).. So loved lor.. I just wana be contented easily so tt I wont feel so terrible when he doesn't hab d time to acc me..

Tonite sec sch gathering.. Hw fun & Yes!! I'm d youngest!! Yipee!!!

Hmm.. Dunno if Dar will meet me tonite?? I miss him lots..

Daily Thots (140110, 1415hrs)

Hmm.. Been days since I last blogged ah?? So bz wif workout classes.. Mebbe this is d best way to make myself too tired to tink of any other things @ d moment.. 逃兵 i call myself @ tis moment.. Haha.. Sigh..

No pt tinkin so much @ tis pt of time.. It'll nt chng anitink but perhaps made a wrong choice outta haste decision.. Wad m I tokin abt??.... God noes..

Ytd was ridin hme saw tis malay guy sms-in while ridin.. His is nt auto-bike lor.. We were ridin 90kmh & he was sms-in??!! OMG!! I dunno wad is in their cuckoo head.. So dangerous lor.. I immed rode infront of him in case he jam brake & cos me to kiss his "ass"..

Hmm.. Dar's so bz wif wrk recently.. We hardly tok also.. Nt to mention d fact we din c each other for sometime le.. Well.. He loves his job.. Gd thing abt it.. But I miss him.. Hmm...

100110 (845pm)

Wad is love? Unconditioned love.. Onli Daddy God will love me unconditionally. Others? Am there for them taken for granted?

Life is full of unforeseen circumstances.. Ppl falling in love unexpectedly.. Ppl falling outta love unexpectedly.. Ppl holding on to love ''unexpectedly''..

爱可以让人变的很勇敢。。也可以让人变的好脆弱。。人为何得爱？？

A Sat morn @ a polyclinic (090110, 0945hrs)

Its such a long wait @ d polyclinic.. I've been here for more than an hour & I'm still waiting..??!! What is this man??!! Wad m I doin here on a Sat morn all by myself??!! Tis is madness.. *yawn*

I dun u'stan y polyclinics always so high traffic de lor.. Gimme a break man.. If nt for tt referral letter I wont come here lor.. Its crazy waiting here.. Zzzz

Hw I wish someone is here wif me.. Ahh... My head hurts.. I'm feelin so uncomfortable & so lonely.. Feelin so hungry too.. Ahhh...... Gd thing I've my iphone wif me.. Hope the battery can last me thru the whole waiting game here.. Zzzz

So sianz lor... I've a rich man's illness.. Migraine.. Long term medication.. Yucks!!

I miss my bf.. 你在哪里？ =(

Daily Thots (7 Jan 10, 8.25am)

Ytd went Bishan for dinner with my Dar.. We ate alot @ Sake Sushi.. Yummy.. Then we headed to AMK Hub for our movies 'Sherlock Holmes'.. V nice show but a few scenes gave me d goosebumps.. Eeks.. Finished d movies @ abt 12am.. Then we took a bus bck to Dar's plc to take d car to send me hme.. As usual.. We chatted awhile b4 i went upstairs.. Aiyah.. As usual cant bear to go hme lor.. aiyoo.. Y m i so sticky to him?? Cos I only see him on wkdays & its only for few hrs lor.. Wkends he's always occupied wif his programs & so am I.. Hmm..

I always missed having him ard me.. He makes me luff.. Makes me feel at ease & secured being ard him.. Being with him.. Hw much I wished time would just stop for the moment.. It doesn't matter where we go or hw tired I am.. I just wana be with him..

如果这就是爱。。
我好想他。。

Daily Thots (6 Jan 10, 10am)

I cannot believe this! I've been sending reminders on meeting invites via email since late Dec 09 & I've nvr received ur reply until tdy I decide to use d 'read receipt' function & u replied saying u're nt available & ask me check ur calendar on current. Pls.. Hw can I assume tt time slot u put in ur calendar is updated or nt & worst scenerio is u're seated juz a stone's throw distance away fm me.. Wtf man??...

Ok.. Diverts my anger away.. Called Jie to apologize & telling her I Love her.. Felt so much beta aft tokin to her.. I love my sister.. I really do..

Ahh.. So much for updatin my status on FB & gettin msn/sms fm family & frenz askin wads wrong.. Haizz.. I alrdy said complicated lor.. So complicated I wont explain much de laa.. V stressed laa.. Ahhh...

I miss him lots.. But wad more can I do?? Will I see sunshine always or gloomy clouds will folo me?? I wana remain as Ms Sunshine also.. But tough ah?..

Ok... Bck to reality... Wrk..

sadness (6 Jan 10, 1am)

why do you wana say such things to me at such time?? why wana tick me off at this time?? i've no intentions of takin u for granted nor will i ever wana take u for granted.. i wanted to ride d scooter out but tinkin mebbe u'll wana ride it cos u missed riding, so i took d scrambler out.. in d end?? i was blamed as takin u for granted & u're so pissed off wif me.. wad??!!

u shld noe me beta than others.. but i m wrong.. u do nt noe me as well.. u hurt me wif ur words.. i may hab hurt u & made u angry wif my actions but tt doesn't give u a reason to tick me off lidat..

i thot thr's at least 1 person in tis world who'll luv me unconditionally no matter wad happens.. but at tis pt of time in my life.. u too disappointed me.. ya.. onli God will luv me unconditionally no matter wad happens.. everyone tinks otherwise of me.. i dun like it & i really hate myself for everything.. so bloody useless of me to be unable to put across my thots to others.. always being blamed for things tt i nvr wan them to be..

life is a bitch.. yucks!!

Anyway.. I'm really sori for everything.. & Blogging here is onli my form of releasin my inner negativity.. Beta than i go drink myself dead.. I still luv u as much as i always do..

Daily Thots (5 Jan 10, 1052am)

Y cant I hab a simple life? Y muz I b a divorcee wif 2 kids? Y issit so tough for me to start all over again? Y r thr judgement everywhere? I hate it lor! I juz wana start a new chapter in my life? Y cant I hab it?

Father, I'm tired. Really tired. V tired.

Daily Thots (4 Jan 10, 1148pm)

wad more can u expect when happiness is always short-lived?? or i shld say.. i nvr had d last luff outta it.. trials & tests.. always have my share.. d more i feel life's beginning to chng for d beta for me.. d more i'll fall hard on my knees.. but.. do u noe wad issit tt's crushin me?? u'll nvr noe d real reason cos i'll nvr share.. it takes 2 hands to clap.. everything happens for a reason & at the rite season.. u reap wad u sow.. wad hab i sowed? nuttin.. so i get nuttin.. life's a bitch.. smtin nt worth tokin abt & smtin nt worth botherin abt.. simplify it?? it sucks..

i thot nw finally i'm d rider.. but in d end.. i'm still d pillion.. always taken for a ride.. everyone takes me for a ride.. y?? cos i'm stupid?? ya.. i m stupid.. confirmed!!

Daily Thots (4 Jan 10, 415pm)

Flashbacks of 2009 occupying my mind.. Gf gets ditched.. Gf gets hitched.. Gf gets stitched.. Oh my.. What an eventful year..

Hw abt me? I got ditched & hitched till I'm unsure wads real & wads unreal.. So crazy so zombie.. Lucky nvr gt stiched.. Praise the Lord!

Happiness issit so hard to get & so difficult to kip for long? Isn't it supposed to be easy & simple when u used ur heart truely to do things? Trials & tests just nvr fails to accompany our paths ah? Hw to take it like a pinch of salt when its always thr? Hw to take everything positively? Oh, I really dunno..

Oh God.. I pray for favour upon my loved ones & frenz.. That Father u can kip them safe & happy.. Let no trials & tests be too tough for them to handle.. Amen!

Daily Thots (3 Jan 10, 9.41pm)

Went to Kyan's 3rd bday @ Kallang Mac. The kids had a great time, so do the adults I supposed.

Next off to Jurong Pt to buy Andrea's sch bag & water btl. Then we took the train hme. Bought McFlurry @ CWP to eat while walking hme. Then gt stuck @ their hse cos of the sudden downpour. Yucks! Had to endure the fact that my ex is in the room with his gf. Wake up Gracey!! Its nt ur biz anymore!!

Came hme uploaded a few pics & had dinner with Jie & Jie Fu. Jie cooked dinner & it was delicious. Hme cooked food, always so delicious. Nw watchin DVD 'Up' wif them. Its such a hilarious show. Hahaha..

Kinda miss him. Wonder what he's doing nw?..

Daily Thots (3 Jan 10, 1am)

Went for nite riding wif Jie & Jie Fu. I'm really sucha dumb ass lor. Dunno hw to handle d scrambler & made bth Jie & Jie Fu so worried cos I nearly met wif an accident. tsk tsk.. Wad can I say? I'm too nervous or too over-confident that I thot I can do d U-turn smoothly? haizz..

When was d last time i saw him (30 Dec 09) & when will be the next time I'll see him (mebbe 4 Jan 10)? I miss him.. =(

Pray that my future riding trips will be a safe one. Amen!

Daily Thots (2 Jan 10, 555pm)

Its another headache, vomiting day. Gotta make a point to go polyclinic next Sat & get my referral letter to a neurologist. This stupid headache is getting on my nerves man. All the pain & vomiting is irritating me.

Called baby earlier on & realised her dad didn't bring her out. See la! Haiz.. Dunno what to say abt her dad.

Wonder what he's doing now? Miss him.. Just have to wait for him to call me. Its another waiting day..

Daily Thots (2 Jan 10, 350am)

What am I thinking of? I'm so confused.. Life has been like a roller-coaster ride for me. The ups & downs gives me the thrills yet at times make me feel nausea & sick.

God has been kind to me in 2009. The things I went thru, some were so harsh that I really fell hard & bled. But thank God I managed to survive all the trials & move on to where I am now. Praise the Lord! But each time I stand up, I enjoyed peace for a moment & the next test sets in. Oh God.. I'll ask. How many more tests must I go thru in order to live that simple life that I yearn for? There may be some who thinks what I'm going thru is so minor & It's all my fault that I should live such a life now. I can only repeat again, it takes 2 hands to clap. Thou I always admit fault, but do remember that I'm not solely responsible for such A outcome today.

Today is baby's bday. She's 5 years old this year. What have I given her all these years?Nothing. I'm a bad mother. She spent her childhood away from me. At times I'll think back. Perhaps I should have stayed on for the children's sake, but I didn't cos I really can't stay with that man anymore. A man whom I used to love so deeply with all my heart & my breathe. Everything said now is useless. No point arguing who's right & who's wrong. Everything is over. Love is over. All that is left are memories, sweet ones?..

Relationships after the broken marriage didn't bring much joy either cos I always ended up getting hurt. Men.. What do they treat me as? Someone on standby for them cos of my kindness towards them? But I don't blame them either cos I'm also not a good woman & I wasn't a good gf too. Happiness for me is always short-lived & I'm like not surprised I can't have it for long.

Feeling so mentally/physically drained out. Feel so sour inside.

Now I've found someone who loves me alot & I love him too. Will I have a happy ending or it'll be another short-lived happiness for me again? I don't dare to think of it cos I'm so scared of losing this time. I haven't seen him for awhile & I miss him alot. Oh God.. Give me the strength to tide thru all these positively & do pray that this relationship will work out right this time. Amen!