What am I thinking of? I'm so confused.. Life has been like a roller-coaster ride for me. The ups & downs gives me the thrills yet at times make me feel nausea & sick.
God has been kind to me in 2009. The things I went thru, some were so harsh that I really fell hard & bled. But thank God I managed to survive all the trials & move on to where I am now. Praise the Lord! But each time I stand up, I enjoyed peace for a moment & the next test sets in. Oh God.. I'll ask. How many more tests must I go thru in order to live that simple life that I yearn for? There may be some who thinks what I'm going thru is so minor & It's all my fault that I should live such a life now. I can only repeat again, it takes 2 hands to clap. Thou I always admit fault, but do remember that I'm not solely responsible for such A outcome today.
Today is baby's bday. She's 5 years old this year. What have I given her all these years?Nothing. I'm a bad mother. She spent her childhood away from me. At times I'll think back. Perhaps I should have stayed on for the children's sake, but I didn't cos I really can't stay with that man anymore. A man whom I used to love so deeply with all my heart & my breathe. Everything said now is useless. No point arguing who's right & who's wrong. Everything is over. Love is over. All that is left are memories, sweet ones?..
Relationships after the broken marriage didn't bring much joy either cos I always ended up getting hurt. Men.. What do they treat me as? Someone on standby for them cos of my kindness towards them? But I don't blame them either cos I'm also not a good woman & I wasn't a good gf too. Happiness for me is always short-lived & I'm like not surprised I can't have it for long.
Feeling so mentally/physically drained out. Feel so sour inside.
Now I've found someone who loves me alot & I love him too. Will I have a happy ending or it'll be another short-lived happiness for me again? I don't dare to think of it cos I'm so scared of losing this time. I haven't seen him for awhile & I miss him alot. Oh God.. Give me the strength to tide thru all these positively & do pray that this relationship will work out right this time. Amen!
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