Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Am I Sick

Oh no! My fever is back again, so are my body aches. What the hell is happening to me? Can someone please enlighten me? I’ve already seen 2 different doctors and yet did not seem to recover nor become better. I feel so terrible now. At times I really wished I’ll be better off dead. So damn suffering now. I’ve never been so sick before, and what’s more such a lengthy one.

Am I stressing myself too much? I don’t even know the answer.

Friends have been asking me to share my thoughts with them. It’s not that I don’t want to share with them, or perhaps I really don’t want to share my negativity around, it’s just sometimes I don’t even know what is running through my mind. Is it my work that is too stressful for me? Is it the spending of quality family time stressing me so much? Or perhaps am I being stressed out financially?

Sometimes I wonder if I should go and consult some expertise advice. Perhaps I am not in the right state of mind. But it also can’t be. Because I can still perform my daily tasks perfectly, be it at work or at home.

Then what? Am I crazy or what you referred as mentally unsound?

Oh no! This is getting bad. Physically and mentally sick. Will I end up in IMH one of these days? Oh shit!

I think everything is not going on very smoothly for me. Perhaps its time I go away alone for sometime. If not, I really don’t know when I’ll eventually breakdown.

Sometimes I’m so scared of myself. I felt like I’m the worst mother in the entire universe. There are times when I’m so stressed up, I even thought of giving up the kids. How could I, right? I carried them in my stomach for 9 months, went through the excruciating labour pains, and went through the sickening confinement period, and this is what I want? Oh no! I can’t help thinking that I’m the worst mother because such little stress I’m going through now, I can’t face it and yet I want to choose to escape from it.

What the hell am I thinking about? Oh no! I really hate myself. I’m such a weakling. I cannot be such a weakling. I used to be a very decisive girl and I will always be. I used to be the girl who faces challenges right in the face and not choose to escape and I will always want to stay that way. I used to be the most cheerful gal and I will always want to be. I used to be the happy-go-lucky type and I will always want to be.

But reality hurts. When you’re an adult, you won’t have the best slice of the cake. Somehow or rather, either corner of the cake would have been mashed up by your knife when you did the slicing of the cake.

Oh no! What am I talking about now? Spouting nonsense? See see see. I told you I’m crazy.

I feel very sick again. Physically and mentally. Can someone please save me from the mess I’ve made with my life.

No comments: